Grandma 1919-2012

   Grandma passed away on Wednesday, and much has happened in my life since then.  I am not afraid of death although it makes me nervous.  Grandma and I had many discussions on this over the past year.  I believe I was the one that first brought it up.  I think that I was the most worried about if she was ready.  Maybe kind of selfish, as I wanted reassurance of the unknown from her.  She never provided this to me.  BUT I am sure that she was aware that there was not an answer and I would have to find the peace within myself. 
    Grandma's death was peaceful, and that night I did not even shed a tear.  I felt at peace and had not fear with the moments after she was gone.  There were few times in my life when I felt this way. 
I only wish that I had more time with her.  I have grown, spiritually and closer to her. 


Five things that Grandma taught me,


 No Regrets,

   During many of our conversations, I asked her if she would change anything in her life.  I was sure that she would have many things that she would change.  Surprisingly she said nothing.  She told me that changing things would change the outcome and she wanted the outcome to be the same.  She was happy with her life overall and didn't have any regrets.

Unconditional love,

   Over the past year, I have seen grandma's unconditional love.  I witnessed this first hand with my dad.  She loved him so much and would light up when he came in the room.  I was second best to dad all of the time.  She would want excuses to his absences, and would talk about him when she was suppose to be visiting me.  She loved it when her and I would play tricks on dad.  I think that he could have robbed a bank and she would have been happy to see him.  She loved us all unconditionally, no matter what.  But her love for her kids was the strongest.  I witnessed her love first hand this year, and when I was a child.  I can only try to imagine the love she had for all us family when she was not in Utah. I felt special, and I am sure she had a way of making us all feel that way, like we were the only ones.    I hate to see the suffering in my dad's eyes now, but I am reassured that he sees the the unconditional love she had for her still remains. 


Commitment

    Grandma was committed to family and grandpa.  She talked with me about him often.  She reminded me all of the time to stay in marriage, even when it seemed like the harder path.  Even a few days before she died, i celebrated my anniversary, she told me never to give up that the commitment was worth it.  I was too small to understand her commitment to grandpa but what I have seen the last year, I know that it was priceless.  I am hopeful that she is able to reunite with him again, I expect there will be a twinkle in her eye that none of us have witness since his passing.

Love the World,

   Grandma loved nature.  She got gratification of the little things.  She loved the sun, trees, bright blooming flowers and birds.  When visiting her in Arizona, i experienced this first hand, she would watch birds for hours, and together we named many of them.  I remember as a little girl her rose garden, walnut trees, and many big tall trees in her yard.  She took meticulous care of these things, and it was evident that nature made her happy.

Determination,

   In the last moments of her life, she still was not ready to give up. Even enduring so much it was worth it to her to be in this world.  She was determined to live her life to the fullest and not miss a beat.  She was determined to make the best of things. She never quit, and never cared much whether she got recognition, as long as she was heading in the direction she thought was right. 


     I miss her already, I have had such a great year with her in my life.  I miss the denture less smiles. I miss the taped wedding ring, the cokes, and the cards.  I miss the ice cream, and the trips to the cemeteries, I miss her trying to feed me her dinner when she should have eaten it. I miss her worrying about the flies getting into her water, and her puffy feet.  I miss screaming and repeating, and the humming hearing aids.  I miss her teasing the ladies at the table, and claiming that she was not hungry. I miss her looking at my dad and instantly being happy.  Most of all I miss the lessons still left to learn but I ma so grateful for the ones that she has taught me.  Goodbye grandma, I am so hopeful that you are with Patty, Grandma Hilliam, and Grandpa.  There is some reassurance that you are sharing your lessons with them. 

The above pictures may seem morbid, too many.  For me they are a celebration of a great life.  The cemetery has always been a happy place for me and grandma as well.  Most of all these are for Jess and Amber, who are sharing in our grief, I love U little Bro!