In mentioned in previous posts, I have been having a really hard time lately. I really was shocked to see that not having a regular job and worrying about what will happen would cause me to be so anxiety driven. Even people at work are noticing that I have not been the same. Since most of my posts are positive and hopefully most people reading these are friends and family I need to vent.
I have come up with my five worst characteristics. Of course not including the physical attributes I don't like about myself, those are separate! Hopefully this post will help me get through this hard time in my life. Remember I do use this as my diary, so bear with me and don't read it if you don't want too.
GUILT- this is the worse. I always seem to take it on myself. I am well aware that many things are completely our of my control but, I can't see to make my brain overcome that. I feel guilty for not making my kids eat just right. I feel guilty for working, resting, eating, and thinking the wrong things. I feel guilty when I don't' get it quite right at work, I feel guilty when I spend too much money. What the hell!
IMPATIENCE: I find that I do a really good job at being patient at work, but when it comes to Thane I am the most impatient person on this Planet. Unfortunately, I love him the most and I need to realize this and make sure he knows that he matters. I also find myself getting impatient with the kids and myself.
WORRY: This sin is the easiest to control, but the hardest to stop in my mind. Some things are so out of my control but why do I continue to worry about them? My weight, my kids, and my bank account fall in this category.
ANXIETY: Yes, along with the others come this one. I am a ball of nerves a good part of my day. Exercise has helped with this but worry and anxiety go together. SLOW DOWN, mom used to say. Need I say more?
SELF CONFIDENCE: Many times people in my life say how confident I am. I really am not, and I find that just about the time I become confident in one area it changes and I have to start all over. This is especially at work. Things change so frequently that you know it and then you don't. I think that a new antibiotic comes out everyday. Someone will come up to me and ask a question, and I think to myself, you should know that! I try hard to keep myself up to date, but guess what? Not hard enough I guess. This is especially worrisome with a new job approaching. I am really worried that I do not know enough to be a family practice clinician. Can I do it?
I also find myself not always as confident in myself when disciplining the kids. You would think I would do a good job since I spend most of my days working with child psychologists and adolescent therapists. It is just so different when things are on your side of the fence.
There you have it, I am not sure that I feel better. I am sure that there are more, but don't want to depress myself too much. Keep truggin along, quit, worrying and believe in yourself, that's what mom would say. I can hear it now, and "keep praying", she would say that too. I am not looking for pity, just needed to let it out and get on with it.
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