Down Day...

I know I have not finished posting the cruise, but you must understand how busy I am.  I finally did get my legs shaved yesterday!  I think that things will slow down this weekend and I will finish it then.
    As for the reason of the title, still kind of having a hard time, not looking for sympathy, just understanding. First of all, today is Darien's birthday, and he is in Germany.  Now most of the time with my nieces and nephews birthdays are not really that big of a deal, we usually find time as a family to celebrate.  This is Darien's first and I know that I can't get to see him.  Skype just isn't the same.  Knowing that he may be two before I will see him is disturbing. 
    I miss Jess terribly right now.  For some reason right when he left we were the closest, DAMN!  When things are a little harder to me, I look to those who I can talk to and who will listen.  Of course, I talk to Thane, but he is so busy (along side of me) and he gets tired of me.  There are few people who just listen and know, they might not understand what I am feeling but, they understand me. That is what is important.  Jess is one of those people.  I know that he is having a hard time today too.  Even though I haven't talk to him, I just know.  I might not post this until tomorrow because of that. I miss him because I know he misses me (and others too).  I wish that there was not a eight hour difference, and ocean between us, and expensive phone calls.  I love you little Bro.
   Just having a much harder time lately, things seem to be harder at work, and at home.  Time is going so fast, that I can only think about the minute I am in.  Mom tells me not to take on anymore, but even though I am complaining, I am happy when I am busy.  I often wondered if I am going through a mid-life crisis, although I am not worried about the direction I am heading?  I love work, and love helping people.  Time flies when I am there (although it flies all of the time) and I love the emotional recognition.  I love being a mom, and jump at MOST chances that I get to be involved with the kids.  My marriage is good, although we are working to make it better, I never really worry about Thane and I.  I am sure that we will make it.  Put all of those things together and it is like eating all of my very favorite foods at one time!  Chinese food, Diet Coke and chocolate are really good separate but if you eat them all in one bite Yuck!  I remember telling mom that I wish you could "jump" around in your life.  Have a break, skip to retirement, then return to your teenage years.  Celebrate your eight birthday again (at McDonald's) and then the next year celebrate your 50 anniversary?  What a novel idea???  I am hoping that this is just a phase and I will move on to the next "developmental" step, but it seems to be lasting long and I am not developing very fast!   
    I have realized that I don't want to be an at home mom, because I long for recognition, and praise.  I get that at work, and I am sure that I would be more depressed if I wasn't getting it.  I am praised everyday, I am good at what I do, and I love it.  Most times is shows, and people thank me for that.  It is the best feeling in the world.  I wish that I would get more of that from home.  As most of us, we don't get praise from the people that are the most grateful for us.  I wish the kids would be grateful for me and their dad, and even though I know that they are, they do not show it often.  Same with Thane, I love to hear that he is grateful for me or that he is happy with the things that I have done, or the way that I am acting.  I know those things, but like to hear them.  Am I like everyone else?  Do others feel unappreciated despite overall feeling happy with their lives?  Am I expecting too much and being selfish?
     My biggest fear is that this will not change.  I have not had the best year, and have not found the same amount of happiness, that I have felt in the past.  Hopefully this will end, I think that the sunshine and summer will help. 

OH well, I love you Jess and Amber, again not looking for sympathy just understanding.  I am so hopeful I can see you in June!  I miss those long talks, until my cell phone went dead, and I felt revived.  I am so grateful for all of my families support in my life, i can talk to mom and Vanessa and get the same feeling.  Sometimes though when you want something and you know that you can not get it, it's all you think about!

And to myself, hang in there, you are happy! Your journey has just taken a small detour, a detour on the Autobon!